Let’s Talk about “The List”
“What are rules or expectations you have or things you look for when it comes to dating or pursuing a relationship?”
The phone sat silent for a minute.
“So basically, you’re asking me for my list?”
Guilty as charged.
I tried to frame the interview question in a way that it was not so immediately obvious what I was asking, but my friend saw right through it.
Isn’t it funny that many of us inherently know what “our list” means? (Although I may be out of touch since it has been ten years since my youth group days.)
I think all of us have in the back of our minds, if not on paper, what we would like in a future spouse. Even the world does. Girls, for example, want the guy who is tall, dark, and handsome or (as the Tik Tok trend goes) the 6’ 5” blue-eyed man in finance with a trust fund. Supposedly, guys do not have a stereotypical preference, but I imagine there is a preferred type.
Many of us know what we want, yet there are still so many single people in the church.
My question is why.
I do not think the question can be fully answered and understood. After all, God is God and we are not. The secret things belong to Him (Dt. 29:29). He may have specific reasons for this era in church history. But I wonder if perhaps we make “our list” more authoritative than we should.
The Non-Negotiables
In one sense, we should have a list. The Bible clearly does lay out things that we as believers should look for in a spouse.
First and foremost, that person must be a professing believer that displays fruits of true faith and repentance (1 Cor. 7:39; 2 Cor. 6:14-18). Their life should be characterized by a growing love for the Word of God (Ps. 119), the people of God (Heb. 10:24-25; 1 Jn. 4:7-12), service and practice of the one-another’s (1 Cor. 12; 1 Pet. 4:10-11), and a hatred for sin (Rom. 6).
As a result, their greatest desire is to imitate Christ as they continually pursue and grow in sanctification. They invest and are being invested in (2 Tim. 2:2; Tit. 2:1-8). A man should be pursuing the 1 Timothy 3 elder qualifications and show evidences of practical and spiritual leadership abilities. Likewise, a woman should be cultivating the character of the Proverbs 31 woman and a willingness to submit to the leadership in her life. As they do so, other desirable attributes like honesty, hard work, trustworthiness, loyalty, and humility will naturally develop. We could go on, but I think you get it.
As believers, these are our non-negotiables. An unequally yoked covenant would only create more significant challenges than joining two redeemed sinners together already does.
However, let us be clear on one thing: we are not looking for the perfect spouse; they do not exist. We will not perfectly imitate Christ until we reach heaven’s gates. But we should see a continual pursuit and progression toward that goal of Christlikeness in anyone we consider for marriage.
The Negotiables
I’d like to give you three things to consider about the non-biblically mandated parts of your list:
1) We must make an important distinction between clear biblical principles and our own personal preferences. If you pulled out or took the time to write down your list, how many bullet points have to do with appearance, personalities, likes, and dislikes? How high do they rank on your priority list? Have you taken bits and pieces of different people and created a dream person in your mind? Or maybe you just want a clone of yourself (in the opposite gender, of course).
Now, ask yourself this: have I been unwilling to consider or even get to know an individual because they do not fit the future spouse in my imagination?
Do not misunderstand what I am saying: it is not wrong to have preferences like hair or eye color, height, liking/disliking the same music or movies, hobbies, etc. But these things should not be law.
2) You should have an attraction to and chemistry with a person you are considering for marriage. Yes, our greater concern should be for the inner man that lasts (1 Sam. 16:7; Pr. 31:30), but that does not negate finding the person as physical attractive and enjoyable to be around. God does not require us to suffer life with someone we can’t stand to look at or spend time with. Song of Solomon is the perfect example of this.
But we live in a broken world. Physical beauty fades. We will all age and eventually die (unless the Lord returns before then). Your spouse may get very sick, needing you to care for them. They could get in an accident that leaves them with lifelong scars. Does your love for them grow deep enough that it will remain steadfast despite their physical changes?
Think about it this way: the typical marriage vows commit you to have and to hold your spouse from that day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death parts you.
So, when the worse comes, the poorer comes, the sickness comes, what is going to matter most about the person you married? That they like the same music and have the right eye color? Or that you have a gospel-centered marriage in which you will cling to Christ and help each other fix your eyes on Him?
Ask yourself: Are you willing to consider that perhaps the person you marry will have a different appearance or personality than you expect but they would turn out to be a gift abundantly more than you could ask or think?
3) Be careful to not get too caught up in the idea of “the one.” It will only make you continually unsure and fall victim to “FOBO”: fear of better options. You will continue to remain uncommitted because you think someone better will come along and you will think you made a mistake.
At the end of the day, God is in sovereign control of whether we marry and who we marry. He knows and has ordained all the details of our lives. Yet, He also gives us the freedom to choose who we marry (I know, that’s a paradox we will never reconcile.) As long as we are walking according to His will as laid out in Scripture, we can do whatever we want.[1] And then we can trust He will work all things for good.
I love what a former boss said on a recent podcast, “I didn’t marry my wife because she was ‘the one.’ She’s ‘the one’ because I married her.”[2] Instead of waiting for some kind of sign, choose the one you love and then love the one you chose.
Closing Thoughts
To those still seeking the one their soul loves, have preferences loosely held, stand firm on biblical principles, and then let our sovereign Lord direct the circumstances that bring you and your spouse together should He deem that good.
Lastly, let me leave you with one final question: how do you measure up to your list?
Madelyn Moses earned her MA in Biblical Studies from The Master’s University (Santa Clarita, CA). She resides in Bucks County, PA and attends The Master’s Church of Bucks County in Richboro, PA.
[1] John MacArthur’s book Found God’s Will is a helpful booklet on this.
[2] Jonny Ardavanis. “Christian Dating Advice: What to Look for in a Spouse.” Dial In with Jonny Ardavanis. February 18, 2025. https://youtu.be/TGbzuD52vX8?si=8HiGpVO7Gth8ZqcN.
